Emotional Cysts

I have been reading more about the topic of memory and emotions in relation to fat retention.  Look up the term "emotional cyst" and you will find some interesting pages.  Some folks liken the process of losing weight to that of "peeling an onion" losing the layers of fat until they reach the skinny person hidden deep inside.  I am starting to liken it to healing a bunch of cyst.  Even though the skin on the outside looks pretty good, go deep enough and you will find a pocket of icky infection lurking in different places. 
For me my commitment to a healthy lifestyle has been less than stellar.  Gung Ho and energetic at first I have usually been easily sidetracked by some distraction dangled like a diamond ring in front of my face on a fishing pole about 7ft in front of me just out of reach. I could rattle off the things that caused me to backslide, but the real reality of it all is that buried in little hidden pockets are things that due to my past are sealed over with a nice layer hiding the true "infection " underneath.  As I think back the whole thing probably was implanted in my mind as a teen maybe earlier , but as I'm new to this process this was the first clear memory I have about being aware of my weight...I was very skinny in high school and could pretty much eat whatever I wanted because I was so active. One of my memories from this time is my grandmother (meaning well I'm sure) watching me scoop fried apples and baked beans on my plate going .."you better watch out when you hit 30 you are going to get fat".   Pair that with the fact that I was an extremely sensitive child who was constantly being told I needed to have a "thicker skin"  when I was teased or left out  instead of being shown a healthy way to release that frustration and develop that thicker skin the message my befuddled brain received was that "you just don't talk about it swallow it down keep it inside. "  As I got older my food got richer and my activity level decreased due to office jobs and I remember the despair I felt as I watched the scale climb 130, 140 , 150 , 160 at my worst and lowest point I was close to 190 and it was awful. 
So after reading some of this material after hitting one of those plateau's at 161lbs on this latest journey I figured what the heck couldn't hurt and I started going back trying to remember my childhood. My childhood is a collection of bits and pieces of fleeting pictures , sounds and smells with lots of blank spots ..things really don't become whole for me until I was in junior high which coincidentally is when a lot of the "turmoil " settled down.  I started with a journal that my grandmother kept for "evidence" purposes (long story which i might get into later) I took one entry and read it and tried to think really hard about what I remembered or if i remembered about that day.  It was a good day where me and the neighbor kids were out playing tag in the neighborhood.  I hadn't thought about it in a long time I remembered how fast I was and how good i was at hiding and how I could bend and weave and dodge to make it back to "base".  I really focused on what I felt which was happy and warm and safe.  I took another entry that wasn't so good .. and while I was reading it I felt like I was reading a story about someone else not me ...but I found myself welling up with tears and after awhile the memory did come ... and I let the emotion go I said out loud the things that needed to have been said then and I felt better ...I felt lighter..I felt drained .  I stopped because it made me tired and I went back about my workout program for the week at the end of the week I stepped on the scales and wow I was at 159 lbs.  It was almost like something toxic was gone.  As the weeks have gone by I have explored other things and am working on letting them go ..things that have irrationally colored my relationships with others. I only hope that this time it will help the weight loss stay permanent.

Affirmations !

Well today I have reached a great milestone with all my training I am now down to 152lbs and it feels awesome!  Was having a conversation with my Bliss girl the other day about how our /"spare tires:" are kind of a sheild from intense emotions.  The past few months I have been going through old things I have kept around as objects are powerful memory triggers for me.  Exploring and really looking at the emotions associated with the items (good and bad) has really enlightened me on a few things about my emotional and mental perspective.  All of these have been incredibly uplifting , a little hard at times but the end result is that I am really letting a lot of things go or changing them into something else.  I am proud to say I have gifted things to others who can use or need them more than I do right now and the feeling is very liberating. 

I also realize since we are halfway through 2010 that its a good time to revisit my affirmations for the year.  Put myself back to center and reface the goal. So here goes :
I am not a victim and I will stop acting like one and be assertive.
I am not your "dumping ground" for problems I will support you as you work through them but I will not "own " them.
I will put myself first because If I don't take care of myself I can't help anyone else.
I am not "your toy" "your backup girl" "your holla back girl" and will not accept being treated as such .
I am a smart, beautiful , intelligent woman and deserve to be treasured by a partner who is starstruck to be with me.
I will make responsible purchases and prepare for my future --because I have to take care of myself and not expect anyone else to do it for me.
I am a good and loyal friend who considers my friends part of my family .
I will cut out of my life things and people that make me feel bad, useless and ashamed of who I am and what I feel.
I will work on being healthy and fit and realize that once this is achieved the weight will come off.  
I will look at my past and strive not to repeat mistakes I have made but to learn from them and change my behavior to what I want it to be.
and lastly just for fun ....In 2010 I will get back in a string bikini and I will rock it ! 

The digits on the scale go down down down ...

Well I may have mentioned it before but we started a  weight loss club at work called the "Fat Boy Club" as I am the only female hardware tech on the campus team ... I had to be one of the "boys".  So we started in Feb and as of last Thursday I am down almost 7lbs.  This is a combo of 1400 calories per day , starting marathon training and generally trying to be more active and eating more "whole foods" .  The rule is that every meal has to have something green or fibrous in it.
Work has gotten hectic... I have been at St. Johns almost 2 years (it will be two as of this July) and have survived so far 2 reorganizations.  Thus keeping me on my goal to get out of debt and be beholden to no one.
I have to travel to Ardmore OK in a few weeks for work . Oh joy .. middle of nowhere.  I may be posting more blog stuff LOL . 
I am still flirting around with school , some days I really am motivated and really love school ... taking an online Criminal Justice course this semester which has considerably cooled my motivation for class. I thought it would be a fun diversion from sittin in a classroom. Unfortunately it has devolved into an exercise
of tedium.  I find the whole thing distasteful.  Especially since it is way more work than a seated class. I have a bad habit of when I don't like something I check out.  So having to kick myself in the arse to avoid wasting $400 is getting old ... fast. 
Also today time has had it's way .. things are starting to heal and old friendships are being renewed.  It's starting to feel like things are swinging the right way again. Anyway enough for now... laterz

Frogolf and New Trail to run !

Frogolf  --- that's frisbee golf or disc golf for the uninitiated of you all out there.  Apparently Ozark has a course down in the park.  After hearing tales of drivers, putters and mid range discs flying into trees and every which-a way I got nostalgic for my childhood.  Ah the days where a couple bucks bought you a hard plastic disc to wing through the air at your friend and hopefully not smack them in a sensitive part of their face.  BTW that area under your nose... get smacked there will bring tears to your eyes.  Anyway a cheap set of discs will set you back about $15 bucks or so.  They even have their own Professional Disc Golf Association http://www.pdga.com/  .  What a nice way to spend the afternoon !
Now onto running news.  I must report that the shin splints have returned BUT I have found a new tool that is keeping the pain to a minimum.  Its called a  foam roller .  This deceptively simple device has one purpose ...to cause eye popping , tear bringing , terrible pain.  Well only the first few times you use it.  I bought one as when I started running the calf and shin problem I had last year returned after a week of running.  Determined to keep going and improve I went out to the internet to search every physical therapy and runner's forum I could find.  For those of you who don't know .. once I get set on something I will pursue it like a pit bull holding on to it's favorite chew toy.  
I bought my roller at Target and it is the beginner model.  The principle behind this is that the muscles tighten up and form trigger points that cause more tightening loss of blood flow and stress to the area which leads to more injury etc.  So It's like getting a deep tissue leg massage.  I read several phys. therapy research papers that supported the myofacial /muscle trigger point release process for dealing with shin splints.
Now the first time I used this was on the back of my calves which was where most of the pain seemed to be.  Cautiously I laid both legs on the roller just above the ankle as the instructions stated and immediately was greeted with the most serious pain ever. I did the required 20 rolls and by number twenty I had stopped gritting my teeth but I still had some soreness.  I use the roller at least twice a day now and the backs of my calves have improved 90%.  I am now working on my soleous muscle from the insides of my ankles to the knee.  I can barely get through 20 rolls in this area as it is still really tight.  I also use it on my whole  back which has lots of issues and it feels wonderful as it created just enough pressure on my spine to pop those pesky vertebrae back where they outta be just like when my chiropractor does an adjustment.  I have worked my quads and hamstrings, lats, triceps and most interesting the IT band area on the outside of the thigh.  That one brought tears to my eyes as well and I haven't been able to make it to 20 rolls over that area yet.  All in all using the roller is enabling me to run relatively pain free while building up my endurance.

Accountability !

Well Jillian kicked my arse !  After three days of starting her 30 day shred I got sick with a naughty mystery spring/end of winter illness.  So after fever, coughing, and plenty of phlegm I had to take spring break week off for recovery.  So I will be starting that over tomorrow.
Today however I got back into the saddle with a much needed first training session with my Bliss Girl who is running with me in the marathon.  Saturday I took a trip down to Tanger in Branson and got my running shoes and a pair of Sketchers Shape Ups.   This year I am going to try running in a different shoe ... Saucony shoes seemed to fit me pretty good and after today's run I am pleased so far with their performance.
I have a narrow heel and I roll my right foot out when I run ... a leftover from that foot being turned in when I was born.  Supination  I believe is the term for that.  The Brooks shoes just didn't keep my heel locked in without me having to lace them so tight as to cause foot numbness.  I could post pictures of my nasty feet after the run last year, but we won't gross you out.
The Sacuony model I bought were the Grid series and they are a Neutral shoe. Saucony have a bit higher heel which has seemed to help with the cramping calf issue I had last year.  Today's run produced mild cramping but nothing so debilitating that I had to stop to release the cramp.  The outsides of my feet were mildly sore but the shoes did hold their own and keep my foot straight.  The arch support is awesome and I didn't get that "numb toe" effect on my outside little toes.  My heels also stayed where they were supposed to and so they didn't bang against the end of the shoe.  I have two pair of slightly different models that felt good on my feet that I will be breaking in and the ones that feel the best on my long run days will be my marathon shoes. 
It was a beautiful day to take a run today and I look forward to working on increasing my speed so that I can hopefully improve my time this year. 

Marathon Two ....Twin Cities

Yeah I know , what are you doing?  Well after the euphoric rush and epic crash after the MCM last year, I have decided to see if I can do it again.  So Minnesota here I come this October.  Training has started with me getting back into the groove of daily exercise and movement.  One recommendation from a co-worker was the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred.  The shred consists of three workouts each increasing in intensity but the catch is that each workout is only 20 minutes long.
20 minutes of non-stop movement 3min cardio , 2 strength and 1 min abs in a set of circuits designed for maximum fat burning and muscle toning.  It is very similar to something I read on my friend Steve's advice Bill Phillips Body for Life.  Basically its several studies that show that 20 minutes of good hard circuit training will do just as well on fat burning as an hour of cardio.
Jillian turned me into Jell-o.  I am feeling this workout all over my body. She recommends you start off with 2lb weights. I now see why. After push-ups and arm raises and bicep curls with these weights my arms and chest are feeling it.  I am not uncomfortably sore but I do feel like I worked out.  So while the workouts may become repetitive for 9.99 not a bad video.  I plan on interspersing this with my runs and other activities to build my legs up for the run.
So to keep myself accountable ... I'll continue to document my journey.

The ritual of the hairdo ....

I got my hair done last weekend and since it is so short my stylist did a new color treatment on it instead of my usual "tinfoil radio antennae" look.
She brought out ... "the cap"  ....NO no not "the clap"  ... the cap.  I'd never been "capped" before although i had rarely seen it done to others.  It looked kinda like a rain bonnet ... or a babushka ... or one of those Amish head-coverings (as she put it) only it was riddled with these tiny holes..
I thought it looked more like one of my grandma's plastic rain caps ... sorta like the ones you see the guys wearing in the Monty Python skits .

  
So anyway there I sit in the chair, a giant plastic bag over my head waiting to see what comes next.  My stylist now comes at me wielding an instrument ... it looks sharp ... its a stick with a tiny hook on the end.  This she explains will punch through the holes in the cap and she will draw the tiny sections of hair through the cap so that they can be colored.
She then starts to poke the hook through the hat on the sides pulling tiny chunks of hair through the holes. The first one is mildly uncomfortable ... like when you pull your ponytail too tight .  She begins to go faster ... and it starts to hurt worse ... my eyes are tearing up as with each pull of the hook i feel like chunks of  my hair are being forcibly removed from my scalp.  And she's being gentle  ....since the cap is jammed on my head as the hook grasps the hair it is in effect knotted upon itself under the hat before the tension releases through the hole in the hood.
After she's done I look like one of the play dough barbershop characters  
anyway the short part of the rest of the story is that she colored my hair and it looks fabu... but I'm still gonna try to avoid the cap if i can help it ...

INFP Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving -The introvert

This is me.

"It's all about energy: What appears to be the bottom-line difference between introverts and extroverts is that social interactions are energizing to extroverts but draining for introverts. This is why I might come to your party but leave long before the conga line starts. And why a stretch of interaction then requires a few days of solitude to recover. If you understand this, you will have grasped a key quality of your introverted friends and their perhaps puzzling behavior (why didn't she come to the after-hours party?) will make more sense.
I am an introvert.  I am not angry or antisocial.  I love people its just my energy level isn't the same as most other people. Introverts are people who find other people tiring. Some people don't understand this. They label me as uncaring, bitchy, aloof, arrogant, rude and cold when I can't meet their needs.
There are many out there like me(about 25% of the population) and a lot of my friends are like me.   I am going to try to help you get to know me and understand me."   Here are a few excerpts taken from other introverts blogs and articles.  They make for an educated read.

I'm not shy. When I'm in the mood to socialize, I'm perfectly friendly and outgoing. When I'm reluctant to socialize, it's choice, not fear. So if I decline an invitation, please don't push or insist it will be good for me. I have my reasons and they're valid. (At the same time, I promise not to say "no thanks" too often.)

Dr Irene S. Levine

When inviting the introvert to do something, give them a way out. Introverts don't always want to be out doing things, but it can be very difficult when they are expected to. Saying no, even though they want to, can make them feel guilty. http://www.ehow.com/how_4742136_be-friends-introvert.html

"It is very difficult for an extrovert to understand an introvert," write the education experts Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig.

Perhaps the hardest thing for extraverts to understand about introverts is that someone could actually want to be alone. Not because they don’t like to have fun, or because they hate people, but just because they prefer their internal world, and they need to return to it to be energized. If someone doesn’t want to hang out with you, don’t try to push them, because they just need their “me” time
"I have good social skills. I am not morose or misanthropic. Usually. I am far from shy. I love long conversations that explore intimate thoughts or passionate interests.....The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they put us through. Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their 98-percent-content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to listen to themselves. Still, we endure stoically, because the etiquette books—written, no doubt, by extroverts—regard declining to banter as rude and gaps in conversation as awkward. We can only dream that someday, when our condition is more widely understood, when perhaps an Introverts' Rights movement has blossomed and borne fruit, it will not be impolite to say "I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shush."" Jonathan Rauch “Caring for Your Introvert”

"Introverts want to have friends – at least most of us do, even if it’s only a couple good friends. We’re not really into the idea of collecting a long list of names just for the sake of knowing lots of people. We prefer to cultivate a few quality friendships, even if we have a wide circle of acquaintances (for extroverts, acquaintances are friends; for introverts, acquaintances are acquaintances)." Lee Ann Lambert

"And a lot of you have said you feel the same. Introverts don't do phone if we can help it.

We enjoy dinner with one or two or a few friends. I don't care if it's a fancy place; it's all about the conversation over a meal and some wine. I also like doing lunch. It's a good way to keep in touch with people and it's rarely longer than an hour or two.

road trips, alone or with anyone who is capable of long stretches of silence. In a car on the road, I am insulated from anyone who might pester me or make demands or natter. The view is ever-changing and something about the motion sends my thoughts down all sorts of interesting paths.

I'm bored by boring people. I'm bored by long stories about people I don't know, by hollow chit-chat, by anyone whose idea of conversation is a monologue. " Sophia Dembling

"As much as I like people and being with them, I’m not energized by them; sooner or later I turn into a pumpkin and go off to have time by myself, in order to recenter and hit the “reset” button, and to be presentable to other human beings once more. Which is to say the way I energize is to spend time by myself, which is a classic introvert thing."  John Scalzi

Acceptance: Validate her need for distance without taking it as rejection.

"However, if an introvert ever gets into a discussion about a topic that he or she has a particular interest in, then his or her internal machinations may be externalized. Such a discussion may be quite beneficial, functional, deep, involved, emotional, etc. The tendency amongst introverts is to have discussions of the most meaningful sort --otherwise, no discussion at all is preferred. From an introvert's point of view, most other discussions are simply "chatter".

If you are with a talkative group of extroverts, then you and the group can and should be comfortable with your silence. The space for this possibility can be createdis by making sure the group knows you and that you are not being silent out of hostility."  George Hernandez


When an extravert sees you reading, writing, or maybe just thinking, they might assume that the only reason you’d do this is because you don’t have someone to talk to. So they think they’re doing you a favor by striking up a conversation, when they’re actually interrupting.

No matter how fabulous a person you are, keep in mind that introverts simply prefer their internal world to the external world. They might start off with a fully charged battery, but while they’re engaged in conversation, that battery is steadily draining. How long it lasts depends on various factors, but be sure to keep an eye out for when they’re starting to lose interest. Be more to the point with introverts.

The enjoyment of and a preference for solitude is an introvert behavior that many extroverts can't understand. I can, and have, gone for days without so much as speaking to someone on the phone. I don't know how long I could go before I would seek outside contact. My life requires contact. But I would say probably 2 weeks. http://www.thoughtful-self-improvement.com/Introvert-Extrovert.html

1. Discuss with the introvert any negative feelings that arise from lack of communication, especially if the introvert is more isolated than you. You may indeed feel ignored. Both parties can learn from each other and repeated discussions may be necessary.
   
2. Try to reach a compromise with the introvert on entertainment issues. An introvert is unlikely to become a social butterfly, but if they rarely accompany you to important events or even a monthly night out, work on a better arrangement. http://www.ehow.com/how_2178755_live-introvert.html
   
   I enjoy social get togethers, but I can only take so much. After a certain amount of time, I'm done. It drains me & in order to get my energy back, I need some time alone. When we've scheduled too much time with friends & family and I haven't allowed for down time, I get super grouchy. When I haven't had time to recharge, I don't really want to be touched & I don't want my kids climbing all over me. Sometimes I feel like a mean, horrible person, but I can't help it. I need just a little bit of time to myself & I feel much more sane, much more energized & I'm ready to love & care for my family again. http://candacetodd.blogspot.com/2010/02/introvertthatd-be-me.html
   
   
   Bottom line I like to socialize and I love my friends.  When my energy reserves are up I'm all for go go go and party hardy ... However when I say "no " it's not because I reject you or don' t like you it's because I'm physically or mentally exhausted.  I'll get out with you once I've recharged. Please keep inviting even if you find it frustrating. I like to be told ahead of time so I can see how my energy level is.  I don't like talking on the phone for long periods of time if you live near me because I find it wasteful when we could be chatting at my house (or yours)  over coffee while I putter around.  I prefer texting, but please don't take it personally if I don't reply right back.  I will once I've thought of the right reply or once I get out of work.   My perfect relaxing evening is to be at home recharging by working on reading or writing on the computer with good food and a glass of wine.  I am a deep thinker and I do get distracted by thoughts if the conversation turns to trivial things or too much personal problem sharing.  I'm a great listener, but I will get frustrated if you run me over when I try to speak.  I have made it a goal in life to stay positive and not impose my will on others. I expect the same in return.  The people who are my close friends understand this and love me for the things I bring into our relationship.  My extroverted friends are very valuable to me as they are the spice in my life that keeps me from being too disconnected from the world.  So in the end it's all about energy and balance.  as one person put it we're like rechargeable batteries ... on full charge we can go but we run down once run down we take time to recharge and get right back on the track again.
   Remember no matter what I love you all !
   

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch
http://livingintroverted.com/blog3/category/loneliness/