I have been reading more about the topic of memory and emotions in relation to fat retention. Look up the term "emotional cyst" and you will find some interesting pages. Some folks liken the process of losing weight to that of "peeling an onion" losing the layers of fat until they reach the skinny person hidden deep inside. I am starting to liken it to healing a bunch of cyst. Even though the skin on the outside looks pretty good, go deep enough and you will find a pocket of icky infection lurking in different places.
For me my commitment to a healthy lifestyle has been less than stellar. Gung Ho and energetic at first I have usually been easily sidetracked by some distraction dangled like a diamond ring in front of my face on a fishing pole about 7ft in front of me just out of reach. I could rattle off the things that caused me to backslide, but the real reality of it all is that buried in little hidden pockets are things that due to my past are sealed over with a nice layer hiding the true "infection " underneath. As I think back the whole thing probably was implanted in my mind as a teen maybe earlier , but as I'm new to this process this was the first clear memory I have about being aware of my weight...I was very skinny in high school and could pretty much eat whatever I wanted because I was so active. One of my memories from this time is my grandmother (meaning well I'm sure) watching me scoop fried apples and baked beans on my plate going .."you better watch out when you hit 30 you are going to get fat". Pair that with the fact that I was an extremely sensitive child who was constantly being told I needed to have a "thicker skin" when I was teased or left out instead of being shown a healthy way to release that frustration and develop that thicker skin the message my befuddled brain received was that "you just don't talk about it swallow it down keep it inside. " As I got older my food got richer and my activity level decreased due to office jobs and I remember the despair I felt as I watched the scale climb 130, 140 , 150 , 160 at my worst and lowest point I was close to 190 and it was awful.
So after reading some of this material after hitting one of those plateau's at 161lbs on this latest journey I figured what the heck couldn't hurt and I started going back trying to remember my childhood. My childhood is a collection of bits and pieces of fleeting pictures , sounds and smells with lots of blank spots ..things really don't become whole for me until I was in junior high which coincidentally is when a lot of the "turmoil " settled down. I started with a journal that my grandmother kept for "evidence" purposes (long story which i might get into later) I took one entry and read it and tried to think really hard about what I remembered or if i remembered about that day. It was a good day where me and the neighbor kids were out playing tag in the neighborhood. I hadn't thought about it in a long time I remembered how fast I was and how good i was at hiding and how I could bend and weave and dodge to make it back to "base". I really focused on what I felt which was happy and warm and safe. I took another entry that wasn't so good .. and while I was reading it I felt like I was reading a story about someone else not me ...but I found myself welling up with tears and after awhile the memory did come ... and I let the emotion go I said out loud the things that needed to have been said then and I felt better ...I felt lighter..I felt drained . I stopped because it made me tired and I went back about my workout program for the week at the end of the week I stepped on the scales and wow I was at 159 lbs. It was almost like something toxic was gone. As the weeks have gone by I have explored other things and am working on letting them go ..things that have irrationally colored my relationships with others. I only hope that this time it will help the weight loss stay permanent.
